post-partum

What an adventure this past week has been! When I read about post-partum blues during my pregnancy, I never thought I would be one to experience it. I thought this perfect little baby would enter my world and I would adjust as if she'd always been there. I figured I'd get into a routine within a week or two and everything would be so much fun. It's day nine and I think I've cried at least once a day. I've almost given up breastfeeding at least once a day. I've wished for freedom from this creature that consumes my every waking moment. I've selfishly longed for time of my own without having to stop what I'm doing to feed the baby.

Nursing is still an uphill battle. She takes one step forward only to take another step back. There have been several times when it has taken her 30 minutes just to latch on. She doesn't cry or scream, she just plays around, or falls asleep. Those are the times when I just get so frustrated I want to give up. Then there are the times she latches on perfectly and nurses for 45 minutes straight. Those times I feel like I've constantly got a baby attached to me and I get frustrated at that. I know deep down that things take time. I know that one day she will get it, and I won't dread every feeding session. But right now that seems like a distant future. I'm really not seeking pity by writing this, really I'm just trying to record my thoughts for myself to look back on.

Thankfully, we do have a really good baby. She really does sleep for long stretches, and we're beginning to realize that's okay. That may be why she doesn't always latch on immediately-- she's just sleepy. I've been so engrained with the idea that the baby needs to eat every 2 1/2 to 3 hours that I'm glued to the clock. And when I wake her too soon, that's when she doesn't eat well. So we're letting her sleep. We still don't know if this is right or wrong, but she's gaining weight, she seems to have regular bowel movements, and she's usually very content. She does have alert periods, and that's when I love to play with her and find all the hard times worth it. She smiles in her sleep and it melts my heart every time. She makes the cutest sounds when she sleeps, like little squeaks of contentment, and they make us laugh every time.

My sweet husband is there every time I break down. He encourages me to try and try again with her. He reminds me that I'm a wonderful mother already. He loves to kiss the baby all the time and play with her every chance he gets. He's great at diaper duty. But mostly he's just patient with me and supportive in whatever options I decide to try. I feel bad that I don't feel romantic at all and that Leah and her feeding consumes my thoughts, but he seems to not mind. I'm praying that 2 or 3 weeks from now we'll look back on this time as bittersweet. We'll realize that it really wasn't as bad as we thought, and we'll regret that we wished it away so quickly.

Look at me-- I'm one week old!

6 days old

I can hardly believe Leah is already 6 days old. These past few days have been hard, they've been exhilirating, they've been rocky, but also so rewarding! We've cried, we've laughed, we've passed out from sheer exhaustion. Mostly we're just surviving. Mom & Dad were a huge help while they were here, and I didn't have to even think about cleaning or cooking or anything but taking care of the baby. And that seems to be a full-time job already. I knew it would be a lot of work, but I never imagined I would have absolutely no time for myself. By the time we get her changed & fed and back to sleep, there's only an hour and a half of rest before we have to do it all over again.

Breastfeeding is still really hard, and has been my biggest weakness emotionally. It is the only thing that has made me cry. I am persistent, but flexible. Many times she will wake up very fussy and hungry and get so upset that she just cannot latch on and stay on. She puts her hands in her mouth (a lot!-- I'm beginning to understand what was going on inside my womb when she was there-- she is a squirmy critter!), she sucks the wrong way (apparently something she learned wrong in the womb), she pulls back and just screams. We try and try and sometimes she'll catch on but sometimes I just get so frustrated and she just gets so frustrated that we give up and give her a bottle, just so she gets enough to eat. We've tried a device called an SNS, Starter Nursing System that has a little tube that attaches to the breast to give an extra source of milk flow, but only if she is latched on properly. At this point, I can use it with my own milk instead of formula like we were originally using, because my milk flow is fine, and I have been pumping regularly. I had an infection in one breast, and the nipple is slightly flat so she still has a really hard time with that side, but we are working on it.

I was almost ready to give up and go exclusively to bottlefeeding but I met with a lactation consultant at the pediatrician's office today and she was very encouraging. She said just to not let her give up. Just keep pushing her to take the breast. The milk doesn't come as fast as the bottle, and that is why she gets so frustrated, so she's offered me some solutions for that. Now I think I have the willpower to keep trying at this, even though it will be really hard. I am praying that 4 or 5 days from now, or maybe 2 weeks, she'll be a pro and nursing will be the least of my worries! Brett has been amazing, too. It takes more than 2 hands to nurse her at this point and he's given up his precious sleep, too, to help me, and will support me no matter what happens.

Thankfully, Leah sleeps very well. After feeding, she'll be in a state of quiet alert for up to 30 minutes and then she'll slowly drift off. Sometimes she can get really gassy, and that makes her fussy so we may have to pick her up and burp her several times before she actually falls to sleep, but usually once she does, she can sleep for a 3 or sometimes even 3.5 hour stretch. She really only cries when she's hungry or needs her diaper changed, which I'm thinking makes her a pretty easygoing baby! I don't think I've actually caught up on my sleep yet, but I know there will be time for that later!

The pediatrician gave her a good report, and was able to answer a lot of our questions. She lost 5 lbs. in the hospital, but has gained them all back as of today. She had a mild case of jaundice when she was born, but it seems to be going away and hasn't really affected much. She also was born with her foot slightly disfigured-- just bent improperly as if she was laying in the womb with it wedged in a rib or something (would make sense!) but she is optimistic that with daily stretching it will return to normal on its own. She has a blocked tear duct, making her eye really crusty but that is apparently common. There is nothing going on with her that is not normal for a baby her age. Which comforts me. And gives me hope that this is going to turn out to be fun after all.

Birth Story

Warning! This post might get a little graphic. But it gets mushy at the end.



Leah decided to make her entrance into the world about 12 days early, and she decided to make it quickly! Tuesday I had my 38 week dr.'s visit (with Dr. Fisher again) and left slightly discouraged because I was still only 1 cm. dilated and the baby still hadn't dropped. Everyone was telling me it was common for first babies to be a little late. So I made myself content with the waiting. Thursday morning I woke up and I was having what felt like really bad cramps. They were minor, nothing timable, just not feeling too well. So I went to work that day anyway. I even went to the Pregnancy Center where I volunteer Thursday night. I didn't see any point in hanging around home just being in pain. By that point, I realized these might be contractions.

I didn't really sleep at all Thursday night, and the contractions started coming every 10 minutes or so. I let Brett sleep, though, and just kept occupied watching TV & trying to read a book. Soon it started getting a lot more painful, and they were coming every 7 minutes or so. The dr. had said to call her when the contractions were 5 minutes apart, so I waited. But they never got to 5. They skipped straight to 3 min. apart. By 6 a.m. I knew that I needed to call the dr., even though I still wasn't 100% sure this was actually labor. I guess I thought that contractions would involve more, well... contracting. It was really just a crampy feeling. So at 6 I woke Brett up and called the dr. She suggested I had better go ahead & come on in. I went ahead & took a shower and put on some makeup, figuring if I was going into labor, I at least wanted to look decent to start out with!

We got to the hospital, which is thankfully only 5 minutes away. I called my parents on the way, and said, "Don't rush here just yet, but it might be time, I'll call you if/when we get admitted." I got checked in & taken to the delivery room and as soon as the nurse checked me, she said, "I hope you were planning on a natural delivery, because you are 10 cm. dilated!" That baby was coming and she was coming immediately. I couldn't believe how quickly things were moving. By this point I certainly wished I could have had some drugs, but was grateful that since I couldn't have them, it would be quick.

Pushing was so much more difficult than I imagined, and I know I must have screamed at different times, "I can't do this...!" "Okay, I can do this..." "You see her head? Okay, I'm not stopping until she is out!" And Brett was amazing, encouraging me not to give up, and the nurse that was helping me, Helen, was also very amazing, being sure to use my name when talking to me & never allowing me to get discouraged. Dr. Fisher, my favorite in the practice, ended up just coming on call when I got there, so she ended up being the one that delivered my baby. It took about 30 minutes of pushing before Leah was born. We had arrived at the hospital around 7:20 and her time of birth was 8:42-- barely 1 1/2 hours! I was still in shock and everything was completely a blur as they placed this squirmy, slimy human being on my chest. It didn't sink in that she was actually here, and she was mine-- this was the person I'd felt growing and kicking inside me for 9 months. Brett got to cut the cord and I'm pretty sure we both had tears in our eyes even as they delivered the placenta and stitched me up (I had a small 2nd degree tear). It still hadn't sunk in though.

She weighed only 5 lbs. 15 oz. (and apparently it was a good thing she was a little early, because the drs. said they weren't sure I would have been able to deliver a much bigger baby naturally) and was 20.5 inches long. She has a full head of blonde hair and hair all over her body! My mom arrived just as we were moving to the recovery room. As I held my newborn baby in my arms as they wheeled me down the hall, it still hadn't sank in. I know everyone always says you will fall instantly in love-- a type of love you have never known before. I can say that is true, but I didn't really feel it instantly. I think all of it was just so quick that I was merely existing, going through the motions.

It's still that way as I am getting home & beginning to recover. In the hospital, we had the nurses take the baby to the nursery so we could get some sleep. I felt a little bad, but know I won't get a chance to do that again. It was so great to have someone there around the clock to help with the baby, and I loved every one of the nurses at our hospital. Breastfeeding was, and has been very rocky. She has a lot of trouble latching on and we've had to try a lot of different solutions. There was one nurse that came in the middle of the night and stayed with me about 30 minutes trying different things to get Leah to eat, and I was so grateful just to have the support! We had to give her a bottle once, and that was really discouraging as I had promised myself I wouldn't do that in her first few weeks, but she was so fussy because she was so hungry, and my primary concern was just making sure she was fed. Already my thoughts were consumed with her and her well-being. I just wanted what would make her happy. I imagine that's what they mean by the unconditional love you feel when you meet your new baby.

Now my parents are here with us at home to help out some, and I'm scared to death of the adventure ahead but also ready to accept the challenge. This beautiful miracle that God allowed us to bring into the world, happy and healthy, will now forever be a part of me, and I can't wait to see what joy she will bring.

She's Here!

Dear Little One

To My Little Girl,


We are so ready to finally meet you! For months now you have been working hard inside your mommy (with a little help from your Creator, of course) to develop all the little body parts, and organs, and character traits that will make you you. In just a few short weeks, you will be ready to come and work on all those things outside of your safe little bubble. Everyone is very excited to see who you will most resemble. If your personality outside the womb is anything like it is inside, then I can tell you'll be very active, very outgoing, and probably quite humorous, too. Maybe you'll have your daddy's sense of humor or his passion for the Word. Maybe you'll be organized and practical like your mommy. Or maybe you will be completely your own person!

Sometimes it's hard to believe that in just a few short days, you will be physically here in our arms. You have already become a part of my life, but it's in such a different way than you'll be in my life after you're born. You're always on my mind now, of course, but you are not quite tangible. I cannot physically hold or touch you, and it's hard to imagine that will be the case within a couple weeks. Your daddy and I were just saying the other day how it's difficult to imagine ourselves being "mommy" and "daddy." It's a concept we know we will embrace the moment you come screaming into this world, and I know we'll look back a month from now and not even remember what it was like to not be mommy and daddy.

You're starting to make it a little uncomfortable for me in there. And up to this point I've been completely at ease about delivering you into this world, but now that's its getting closer and becoming more of a reality, I'm starting to get a little scared. Mostly I'm still excited, because I want to see you and hold you and kiss you, and because I love a new challenge, a new adventure. But of course the new challenging adventure part and not knowing what to expect is also what terrifies me. So could you please come soon? I know you are enjoying your last few moments of comfy cozy development, but we're ready for you out here.

I hope you know how many people have already shown their love for you through gifts, time, and words of encouragement. Every day someone asks me how I'm doing, and of course they're really thinking of you and how you're doing. You have so many family and friends that have given so many gifts that mommy and daddy barely had to buy anything for you! We don't have much to offer you, really, in the way of fancy things or even talents or gifts. But hopefully you will feel the love that is here and has been for the past nine months.

We hope you'll feel the warmth and support of parents (and grandparents, and friends) who want nothing more for you than to know that though your life may not be easy, it may not be completely comfortable, but it will be filled with love and filled with hope. We hope you'll know how much we want you to be able to experience life to the fullest because it is filled with Christ's love and all the goodness that comes along with that. We hope you'll see that we always want the very best for you and will settle for nothing less.

Week 37

At my latest dr.'s appointment, I was pronounced "a fingertip" dilated, with a softening cervix, and baby is head down. (By the way, I have seen the same doctor, Dr. Fisher, the past few appointments, and she is quickly becoming my favorite in the practice. Of course, you never know which will be on call when I deliver.) Dr. Fisher made this all sound insignificant, and I realize I can be dilated for several weeks, but it gives me hope that the time is coming very soon, and I'm well on my way to a natural birth. I also had gained 5 lbs. since my last appointment 2 weeks ago, which is more than my entire 1st trimester altogether. I imagine its all in my grossly swollen feet and legs. I have a feeling that will be the hardest weight to lose once it's all over.


I had my final shower at work Friday, and I felt so loved and appreciated. I got gifts from probably 15-20 different people! My supervisor had decorated the conference room so nicely, everyone had brought in food for lunch, and there was even a pretty cake. She also made me a diaper cake with tons of useful items on it. It turned out to be a lot of fun. I took one final shopping trip for baby stuff on Saturday. Actually, it was really the first time I got to shop for the baby myself. I had tons of gift cards and a few more things I needed to get, so I let myself go in Babies 'R Us and in Walmart. I think I can honestly say we've spent very little on this baby ourselves. I think the only real purchases we've made were things to improve the nursery: paint, fabric for curtains, and a glider. What a great thought to know that our little one is so well-loved and prepared for.

I also stocked up on some household supplies Saturday- things I don't want to have to worry about running out to get in the first few weeks after the baby arrives. I know life will still be going on and stores will still be open, and other people will be around to help, but I feel better knowing I have necessities available without having to go out. I also attempted to start packing a hospital bag, but it seems fruitless when a) I really can't pack any clothes, because I need to wear them between now & then; b) we live so close to the hospital that I could send Brett or someone else to get things if necessary; and c) Does anyone really have to leave for the hospital in that huge of a hurry anyway? So I at least have the diaper bag (oh, yeah, I did buy that with our own money and I'm excited about it!) packed for the baby and a few other things.

Any day now, little one-- you can come any day. We're all so excited to meet you!

36 weeks (August 12, 2008)

Not pictured are the stretch marks on my rear. :)

The diaper cake from my work shower. I forgot to bring my camera to take any other pictures.





















The dresser in the nursery, with the changing pad all set up & drawers filled with clothes!















The bookshelf Brett stained to match the crib (and it looks awesome!)

Week 35

I can hardly believe I'm nearing the last month of my pregnancy. In some ways it's flown by, in other ways it's seeming to last forever. I never want to come across as complaining, because I know that #1- pregnancy is an enormous blessing from God that I would never want to take for granted, #2- I have had a really easy pregnancy so far and have nothing really even worth complaining about, and #3- I really have loved the whole journey. However, I'm now at the stage where it's getting to be uncomfortable. I don't sleep well, because I get so achy. It's hard to move around like I'm used to, even just get up from a sitting position, and really-- I'm just ready for my little girl to be here.

Work is getting to be a pain, really, just because it's hard to get up in the mornings, and also because I know I won't be coming back after the baby. I continually remind myself that God calls us to give our best wherever we are, and right now I am still an employee and still responsible to those I work for. Working during pregnancy really hasn't been so bad thus far. Since I work with a bunch of women, I'm well-cared for. I'm never allowed to move heavy things, I'm "reprimanded" if I seem to be working too hard, and I get lots of sympathy. People even bring me food! Now, though, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed because it seems like I have so much I could be doing at home (even though it's really not as much as I think), yet I have to be at work all day.



I feel like, even though there are a few small items we still need, and even though I don't have a pediatrician yet, and even though I haven't packed a hospital bag, and even though we haven't completely finished organizing the nursery, and even though I'm still scared we won't be able to afford all that comes along with a new life, this baby could come any day and I would be perfectly okay with that. In fact, I'm sure none of that would even matter if she were here in my arms.

Thanks to my very best friend Elizabeth, we got the crib bedding this past weekend & now the crib is all made up & ready to go. (And I sincerely hope I can figure out how to put a clean sheet on that thing without having to take the whole bumper & everything off-- I wore myself out trying to put this all on!) The only thing left in the nursery is to stain a bookshelf & add a glider, and some decorations.

The princess' quarters

me @ 35 weeks, with the crib bedding



















up close of the crib, minus baby