1st bath

Leah had her first bath on Sunday, the 21st, since her umbilical stump fell off the previous Wednesday. It turns out she loves the water! She only cried a second when she first got naked, and then as soon as she hit the water, she was quiet, very curious about what was going on. She sat very still and enjoyed her first spa experience!

Nana & Papa's Visit

This week Brett's parents have been visiting from Texas. Leah has been spoiled rotten. (And so have I-- Mom doesn't mind getting up at 5 to feed her in order to give me a little extra sleep.) We haven't done a whole lot of exciting things, but it is nice to have some company and some extra help with the baby.

I got out for a couple hours yesterday for the first time without the baby while Mom & Dad watched Leah (although she slept the whole time!). I've heard so many new mothers talk about how hard it was to leave their baby for the first time. But I really didn't have a hard time. Maybe it was because I knew she was in good hands, but really I felt a little detached. Don't get me wrong, that moment when this squirmy, slimy human came out of me & was placed on my stomach in the hospital will forever be engrained in my mind-- it isn't something I could forget, and I know if something were to happen to Leah, I would be devastated, but really, I don't feel as attached as I think I could. I still don't really feel like a mother. But what is a mother supposed to feel like? I still can't believe this tiny helpless creature is completely and totally dependent upon me for her every need. And she's going to be a permanent part of my life. She will be in my thoughts, if not my presence, every day for the rest of my life. That's a difficult concept that I'm still working through. But I think my outing got me started thinking about God's relationship with His children and His unconditional love for me.

Leah is 3 weeks old today. Time really is going by fast. And I'm really starting to love having her around. She's still not on a regular schedule, but she's at least starting to understand day vs. night. This week she's been awake for about 2-3 hours in the morning after her first feeding (although this could be because there's someone here to hold her & spoil her). Then she'll take a good long afternoon nap. In the evenings she'll wake up usually around 1a.m. and then around 4, and usually, as long as I keep the lights low & no noises, she'll go right back to sleep. She does get a little fussy when you first lay her down, but she can usually work out her gas and then go to sleep on her own.

She still rarely cries. She's working really hard on keeping her head up. She is a very curious little girl and loves to look around at things, even if she can't really focus on much at this point. She sleeps well in the car seat and can stay asleep through church services or other outings, even if it's really noisy. She loves her hands and chews on them whenver she gets a chance. She's a very noisy eater and often bangs her head around when you try to burp her until she gets more food. She's also a snuggler. She's quietest when she's in someone's arms. Next week I'll have to get out my front carrier to put her in if I want to get anything done!

2 weeks old

• At her 2 week check-up, Leah is up to 7 lbs.-- an entire pound in one week. Her face is really rounding out.



• She is a very "nosy" little baby (this was what the dr. called her), because she's already trying to hold her head up & look around. She's usually awake 15-20 minutes after she eats, just staring at whatever she sees. And she makes funny faces too. I wonder what she is thinking.

• I'm pretty sure she's going to have curly hair. Once it was wet & then brushed, it became really frizzy, like mine would if I was to brush it.

• My baby is multi-talented: she can sleep, eat & poop all at the same time! (I don't know why, but this baby's pooping is a source of much laughter for Brett & me.) Also, according to my calculations, Brett & I must have already changed at least 120 diapers at this point.


• I am wearing non-maternity clothes today. So they are a bit tight, but hey, at least they fit a little. And I am feeling almost completely healed. I've been out walking quite a few times now, determined to get rid of these extra 15 lbs. I'm still carrying. I know it's only been 2 weeks. I'm patient.

She will probably hate me for this one when she's older.















She really isn't amused easily.

Being a New Mom

There are no parenting books, movies, or websites that fully prepared me for what life with a newborn would be like. No one told me that it would be this hard. I expected a certain amount of emotions, but I never expected to be so completely unsure of every single decision and every single action I take concerning my baby. Everything I've read about breastfeeding makes it seem so natural, so easy. Nothing told me that it would be the hardest thing I would ever have to do. Nothing told me that all babies don't just naturally take to the breast first thing out of the womb. Had I known that, I might have put forth even more effort in teaching Leah to latch on and to suck. I would not have given up so easily. I was not expecting the frustration and the tears.

We have made the decision to feed Leah exclusively with a bottle, using my pumped milk. It is not a decision that I have reached easily. I know I didn't try for as long as perhaps I should have, but that is in the past now. A conversation with a wise person today reminded me that God calls us only to look forward. There is no point in living with regrets. Sure, I could have tried harder to get her to nurse, I could have been more agressive and tried longer. But I didn't. And I'm not going to let that drag me down. I'm going to press on & take this mother thing one day at a time. I see so many advantages in the bottle-- other people can feed her, it's much more modest in public, she really does seem happier after a bottle & I can regulate how much she's getting... The absolute only thing I hate about the whole decision is having to pump. Sure, it only takes about 15 minutes every 3 hours, but that's every 3 hours for the next 4-6 months of my life.

There are times when I feel so tied down by this-- this living human being that has completely consumed my entire life. Looking ahead I see nothing but pumping milk, feeding the baby, and catching an hour or two of sleep when I can every day for the next 6 months. But I know this is only a phase. I know there will be a time when I can get out and around and meet other moms, be around other people. Right now it may not seem like that, but I will eventually have a routine. And so I will push forward, taking it one day at a time. And I will remember that Leah is a sinner in need of God's grace. She is selfish because that is the way God made her. She will take all my time & energy-- but it's only for a moment. I will spend more time in prayer for her and for myself as her mother. I will give all my concerns about her eating & sleeping to the Lord. And I will not forget that God has entrusted me to be her mother, and He didn't make a mistake.

And amidst all the stress and tough decisions I've had to make, there has been joy. Leah sat and stared into my face today for at least 5 minutes straight, and she had a huge grin on her face. I know it may be a little early for her to smile, but still, I'm claiming her to be a genius! She makes the cutest noises, and she looks absolutely adorable no matter what it is she wears (mostly because everything is so big on her and swallows her up). Brett swears she kissed him on the lips the other day, even though he realizes she obviously didn't know she was doing it. She is great out in public and will either sleep or just look around quietly when she's in her car seat. I am starting to understand the meaning of unconditional love.

post-partum

What an adventure this past week has been! When I read about post-partum blues during my pregnancy, I never thought I would be one to experience it. I thought this perfect little baby would enter my world and I would adjust as if she'd always been there. I figured I'd get into a routine within a week or two and everything would be so much fun. It's day nine and I think I've cried at least once a day. I've almost given up breastfeeding at least once a day. I've wished for freedom from this creature that consumes my every waking moment. I've selfishly longed for time of my own without having to stop what I'm doing to feed the baby.

Nursing is still an uphill battle. She takes one step forward only to take another step back. There have been several times when it has taken her 30 minutes just to latch on. She doesn't cry or scream, she just plays around, or falls asleep. Those are the times when I just get so frustrated I want to give up. Then there are the times she latches on perfectly and nurses for 45 minutes straight. Those times I feel like I've constantly got a baby attached to me and I get frustrated at that. I know deep down that things take time. I know that one day she will get it, and I won't dread every feeding session. But right now that seems like a distant future. I'm really not seeking pity by writing this, really I'm just trying to record my thoughts for myself to look back on.

Thankfully, we do have a really good baby. She really does sleep for long stretches, and we're beginning to realize that's okay. That may be why she doesn't always latch on immediately-- she's just sleepy. I've been so engrained with the idea that the baby needs to eat every 2 1/2 to 3 hours that I'm glued to the clock. And when I wake her too soon, that's when she doesn't eat well. So we're letting her sleep. We still don't know if this is right or wrong, but she's gaining weight, she seems to have regular bowel movements, and she's usually very content. She does have alert periods, and that's when I love to play with her and find all the hard times worth it. She smiles in her sleep and it melts my heart every time. She makes the cutest sounds when she sleeps, like little squeaks of contentment, and they make us laugh every time.

My sweet husband is there every time I break down. He encourages me to try and try again with her. He reminds me that I'm a wonderful mother already. He loves to kiss the baby all the time and play with her every chance he gets. He's great at diaper duty. But mostly he's just patient with me and supportive in whatever options I decide to try. I feel bad that I don't feel romantic at all and that Leah and her feeding consumes my thoughts, but he seems to not mind. I'm praying that 2 or 3 weeks from now we'll look back on this time as bittersweet. We'll realize that it really wasn't as bad as we thought, and we'll regret that we wished it away so quickly.

Look at me-- I'm one week old!

6 days old

I can hardly believe Leah is already 6 days old. These past few days have been hard, they've been exhilirating, they've been rocky, but also so rewarding! We've cried, we've laughed, we've passed out from sheer exhaustion. Mostly we're just surviving. Mom & Dad were a huge help while they were here, and I didn't have to even think about cleaning or cooking or anything but taking care of the baby. And that seems to be a full-time job already. I knew it would be a lot of work, but I never imagined I would have absolutely no time for myself. By the time we get her changed & fed and back to sleep, there's only an hour and a half of rest before we have to do it all over again.

Breastfeeding is still really hard, and has been my biggest weakness emotionally. It is the only thing that has made me cry. I am persistent, but flexible. Many times she will wake up very fussy and hungry and get so upset that she just cannot latch on and stay on. She puts her hands in her mouth (a lot!-- I'm beginning to understand what was going on inside my womb when she was there-- she is a squirmy critter!), she sucks the wrong way (apparently something she learned wrong in the womb), she pulls back and just screams. We try and try and sometimes she'll catch on but sometimes I just get so frustrated and she just gets so frustrated that we give up and give her a bottle, just so she gets enough to eat. We've tried a device called an SNS, Starter Nursing System that has a little tube that attaches to the breast to give an extra source of milk flow, but only if she is latched on properly. At this point, I can use it with my own milk instead of formula like we were originally using, because my milk flow is fine, and I have been pumping regularly. I had an infection in one breast, and the nipple is slightly flat so she still has a really hard time with that side, but we are working on it.

I was almost ready to give up and go exclusively to bottlefeeding but I met with a lactation consultant at the pediatrician's office today and she was very encouraging. She said just to not let her give up. Just keep pushing her to take the breast. The milk doesn't come as fast as the bottle, and that is why she gets so frustrated, so she's offered me some solutions for that. Now I think I have the willpower to keep trying at this, even though it will be really hard. I am praying that 4 or 5 days from now, or maybe 2 weeks, she'll be a pro and nursing will be the least of my worries! Brett has been amazing, too. It takes more than 2 hands to nurse her at this point and he's given up his precious sleep, too, to help me, and will support me no matter what happens.

Thankfully, Leah sleeps very well. After feeding, she'll be in a state of quiet alert for up to 30 minutes and then she'll slowly drift off. Sometimes she can get really gassy, and that makes her fussy so we may have to pick her up and burp her several times before she actually falls to sleep, but usually once she does, she can sleep for a 3 or sometimes even 3.5 hour stretch. She really only cries when she's hungry or needs her diaper changed, which I'm thinking makes her a pretty easygoing baby! I don't think I've actually caught up on my sleep yet, but I know there will be time for that later!

The pediatrician gave her a good report, and was able to answer a lot of our questions. She lost 5 lbs. in the hospital, but has gained them all back as of today. She had a mild case of jaundice when she was born, but it seems to be going away and hasn't really affected much. She also was born with her foot slightly disfigured-- just bent improperly as if she was laying in the womb with it wedged in a rib or something (would make sense!) but she is optimistic that with daily stretching it will return to normal on its own. She has a blocked tear duct, making her eye really crusty but that is apparently common. There is nothing going on with her that is not normal for a baby her age. Which comforts me. And gives me hope that this is going to turn out to be fun after all.

Birth Story

Warning! This post might get a little graphic. But it gets mushy at the end.



Leah decided to make her entrance into the world about 12 days early, and she decided to make it quickly! Tuesday I had my 38 week dr.'s visit (with Dr. Fisher again) and left slightly discouraged because I was still only 1 cm. dilated and the baby still hadn't dropped. Everyone was telling me it was common for first babies to be a little late. So I made myself content with the waiting. Thursday morning I woke up and I was having what felt like really bad cramps. They were minor, nothing timable, just not feeling too well. So I went to work that day anyway. I even went to the Pregnancy Center where I volunteer Thursday night. I didn't see any point in hanging around home just being in pain. By that point, I realized these might be contractions.

I didn't really sleep at all Thursday night, and the contractions started coming every 10 minutes or so. I let Brett sleep, though, and just kept occupied watching TV & trying to read a book. Soon it started getting a lot more painful, and they were coming every 7 minutes or so. The dr. had said to call her when the contractions were 5 minutes apart, so I waited. But they never got to 5. They skipped straight to 3 min. apart. By 6 a.m. I knew that I needed to call the dr., even though I still wasn't 100% sure this was actually labor. I guess I thought that contractions would involve more, well... contracting. It was really just a crampy feeling. So at 6 I woke Brett up and called the dr. She suggested I had better go ahead & come on in. I went ahead & took a shower and put on some makeup, figuring if I was going into labor, I at least wanted to look decent to start out with!

We got to the hospital, which is thankfully only 5 minutes away. I called my parents on the way, and said, "Don't rush here just yet, but it might be time, I'll call you if/when we get admitted." I got checked in & taken to the delivery room and as soon as the nurse checked me, she said, "I hope you were planning on a natural delivery, because you are 10 cm. dilated!" That baby was coming and she was coming immediately. I couldn't believe how quickly things were moving. By this point I certainly wished I could have had some drugs, but was grateful that since I couldn't have them, it would be quick.

Pushing was so much more difficult than I imagined, and I know I must have screamed at different times, "I can't do this...!" "Okay, I can do this..." "You see her head? Okay, I'm not stopping until she is out!" And Brett was amazing, encouraging me not to give up, and the nurse that was helping me, Helen, was also very amazing, being sure to use my name when talking to me & never allowing me to get discouraged. Dr. Fisher, my favorite in the practice, ended up just coming on call when I got there, so she ended up being the one that delivered my baby. It took about 30 minutes of pushing before Leah was born. We had arrived at the hospital around 7:20 and her time of birth was 8:42-- barely 1 1/2 hours! I was still in shock and everything was completely a blur as they placed this squirmy, slimy human being on my chest. It didn't sink in that she was actually here, and she was mine-- this was the person I'd felt growing and kicking inside me for 9 months. Brett got to cut the cord and I'm pretty sure we both had tears in our eyes even as they delivered the placenta and stitched me up (I had a small 2nd degree tear). It still hadn't sunk in though.

She weighed only 5 lbs. 15 oz. (and apparently it was a good thing she was a little early, because the drs. said they weren't sure I would have been able to deliver a much bigger baby naturally) and was 20.5 inches long. She has a full head of blonde hair and hair all over her body! My mom arrived just as we were moving to the recovery room. As I held my newborn baby in my arms as they wheeled me down the hall, it still hadn't sank in. I know everyone always says you will fall instantly in love-- a type of love you have never known before. I can say that is true, but I didn't really feel it instantly. I think all of it was just so quick that I was merely existing, going through the motions.

It's still that way as I am getting home & beginning to recover. In the hospital, we had the nurses take the baby to the nursery so we could get some sleep. I felt a little bad, but know I won't get a chance to do that again. It was so great to have someone there around the clock to help with the baby, and I loved every one of the nurses at our hospital. Breastfeeding was, and has been very rocky. She has a lot of trouble latching on and we've had to try a lot of different solutions. There was one nurse that came in the middle of the night and stayed with me about 30 minutes trying different things to get Leah to eat, and I was so grateful just to have the support! We had to give her a bottle once, and that was really discouraging as I had promised myself I wouldn't do that in her first few weeks, but she was so fussy because she was so hungry, and my primary concern was just making sure she was fed. Already my thoughts were consumed with her and her well-being. I just wanted what would make her happy. I imagine that's what they mean by the unconditional love you feel when you meet your new baby.

Now my parents are here with us at home to help out some, and I'm scared to death of the adventure ahead but also ready to accept the challenge. This beautiful miracle that God allowed us to bring into the world, happy and healthy, will now forever be a part of me, and I can't wait to see what joy she will bring.