There are no parenting books, movies, or websites that fully prepared me for what life with a newborn would be like. No one told me that it would be this hard. I expected a certain amount of emotions, but I never expected to be so completely unsure of every single decision and every single action I take concerning my baby. Everything I've read about breastfeeding makes it seem so natural, so easy. Nothing told me that it would be the hardest thing I would ever have to do. Nothing told me that all babies don't just naturally take to the breast first thing out of the womb. Had I known that, I might have put forth even more effort in teaching Leah to latch on and to suck. I would not have given up so easily. I was not expecting the frustration and the tears.
We have made the decision to feed Leah exclusively with a bottle, using my pumped milk. It is not a decision that I have reached easily. I know I didn't try for as long as perhaps I should have, but that is in the past now. A conversation with a wise person today reminded me that God calls us only to look forward. There is no point in living with regrets. Sure, I could have tried harder to get her to nurse, I could have been more agressive and tried longer. But I didn't. And I'm not going to let that drag me down. I'm going to press on & take this mother thing one day at a time. I see so many advantages in the bottle-- other people can feed her, it's much more modest in public, she really does seem happier after a bottle & I can regulate how much she's getting... The absolute only thing I hate about the whole decision is having to pump. Sure, it only takes about 15 minutes every 3 hours, but that's every 3 hours for the next 4-6 months of my life.
There are times when I feel so tied down by this-- this living human being that has completely consumed my entire life. Looking ahead I see nothing but pumping milk, feeding the baby, and catching an hour or two of sleep when I can every day for the next 6 months. But I know this is only a phase. I know there will be a time when I can get out and around and meet other moms, be around other people. Right now it may not seem like that, but I will eventually have a routine. And so I will push forward, taking it one day at a time. And I will remember that Leah is a sinner in need of God's grace. She is selfish because that is the way God made her. She will take all my time & energy-- but it's only for a moment. I will spend more time in prayer for her and for myself as her mother. I will give all my concerns about her eating & sleeping to the Lord. And I will not forget that God has entrusted me to be her mother, and He didn't make a mistake.
And amidst all the stress and tough decisions I've had to make, there has been joy. Leah sat and stared into my face today for at least 5 minutes straight, and she had a huge grin on her face. I know it may be a little early for her to smile, but still, I'm claiming her to be a genius! She makes the cutest noises, and she looks absolutely adorable no matter what it is she wears (mostly because everything is so big on her and swallows her up). Brett swears she kissed him on the lips the other day, even though he realizes she obviously didn't know she was doing it. She is great out in public and will either sleep or just look around quietly when she's in her car seat. I am starting to understand the meaning of unconditional love.
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