Fears

I still haven't let myself really get attached to this baby yet. I can't really think of anything past Jan. 15th when I will get to see that ultrasound and see my baby's heartbeat. I have this huge fear that it won't be beating. That something will have happened to this precious miracle that God blessed us with so quickly. And I can't bring myself to think of what it will actually be like to hold a baby in my arms. A baby that is my very own. Part of me still wants to tell the whole wide world that I am pregnant. But another part of me is so scared it will be all over after Tues. and I will have to go back and tell the few people I already did tell that there will be no baby. I want to trust that God is taking care of this child even now-- that He is perfectly capable of giving me a healthy and safe pregnancy. Maybe its partially because I have very few symptoms. I rarely feel sick (and when I do feel slightly nauseous, it's in the evening, not the morning). I just don't feel pregnant.

I have started worrying about finances as well. For the first year of our marriage money was a huge concern of mine. I felt like we were always struggling to catch up from behind. Yet God always provided. In ways I least expected. We always had enough food to eat, we were always able to pay our mortgage. Then a few months ago Brett got a second job and we have been able to save a little, pay off some debt. Money hasn't been a huge concern. Now there's a new factor in the picture. A living breathing human being. That requires stuff. Expensive stuff. And daily supervision. So either I quit my job, or we find some reasonable form of child care. Right now the first option is not looking feasible. And even though I've always wanted to stay home with my kids (and Brett wants me to also), I'm not sure it's going to be possible unless something changes with our financial situation. I may be able to work part time and find some sort of child care a few hours during the day, but I'm not sure what I would do for work. I know that God will provide. I also know that we have 8 months to figure this all out. And for that I am grateful!