I just looked back to a post I wrote in the very early stages of my pregnancy with Leah about my fears related to having a baby-- mostly it was about whether the baby would be healthy & whether we could actually afford to have a baby... Apparently there are fears that don't go away, even after having gone through this once before. I know the first time I was also nervous about the labor & delivery, about nursing, and about actually being a mother-- how would I know what to do? This time, I'm not quite as nervous/ scared of these things, although there is definately still an anxiety there...
This time, my "panic attacks" (they're not really attacks as much as moments where I just feel trapped, like there's no way out) surround the idea of being home, by myself, with two kids. With Leah, I think I was excited about that-- not having to work, getting all day to play with my baby. But now the idea of having little to no adult conversation all day, and the day-to-day "mundane-ness" of caring for two young children just scares me. I know I will find things to keep them entertained-- I know the first few weeks will be filled with feeding a newborn, sleeping, finding time to give attention to a needy two-year-old, laundry, and just surviving. It's after those first few weeks that worry me. I pray the TV doesn't become a continual babysitter. I pray that I will find other moms to spend quality time and conversation with so that I don't lose my own identity as a person.
And oh the sleep... I have always valued my sleep. I love that Leah is a great sleeper and will almost always sleep at least 10 hours at night. But now I'm going to add a newborn to the picture. Leah will take one nap during the day during which I can sleep, but that's all I'll get. And I figure in the 10 hours she sleeps at night, I'll be up at least 2 with the baby. Some of those will be spent with my husband before bed time... We're quickly cutting away my eight hours of sleep a night! I've never been able to fall asleep easily anyway, which is why the 3-hour sleep periods were tough on me the first time, and why I'm worried they will be even tougher this time! It helps to know that there is an end and I will get sleep again, but it doesn't help ease the fears about the first 3 months!
I don't worry, like many mothers say, that I will be able to love this baby as much as the first. I have no doubt that he will be equally as loved. I do worry that I will not find as much time for the first while the new one is still a newborn. I worry she will feel neglected or unloved. I know she's too small for it to really impact her, and I know that it can't possibly be harmful to her overall "psyche," but I also know that I will have to work hard at a balance between the two-- even though the second will obviously have more needs for me to meet.
And though I am slightly more confident about nursing this time, and also more committed to sticking with it, I still have fears that it will be equally as difficult the first few weeks. I have fears about being constantly attached to a feeding baby. Or that baby won't latch on just like his sister and I'll be constantly attached to a pump. Of course, now, I can see the end of this, too (and then I get to deal with the picky eater stage again and wondering what to make that my toddler will actually eat), and that makes going into it seem just a little more bearable.
I'm not really looking for sympathy or pity with all this, I'm just being candid, and writing all my thoughts down so I can undoubtably look back a year from now and think how unmerited all my fears were. I am looking forward to the smiles and the milestones and watching the growth of another human that God has allowed out as a result of the love of my husband and myself. I am excited about raising a son and seeing how perfectly he will fit into our little family. I am looking forward to the future...
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